The Journey Continues:The Fear Tears

Last night my granddaughter spent the night at our house.  Her daddy was working late and we love having her here.  She and my youngest daughter(only daughter) had cleaned out a closet during the day yesterday and spotted what they thought was a dead spider in the corner.  They had me look at it when I got home from work and I must say that it looked dead.  My feeling is that all spiders should be dead and I must confess that I have spread that feeling to my two young ladies.  I was in bed when a crying granddaughter came to my side with tears in her eyes.  She was not willing to sleep in the room that had a spider in the closet.  I completely understand her feelings.

I told her that I would get rid of the spider.  So armed with a broom I bravely went to find the dead spider and flush it down the stool.  I looked in the closet but could not find that dead spider.  That is when I saw something move out of the corner of my eye.  I kept the panic in check and somehow knocked that giant spider off the side of the closet wall, onto the floor and through silent screams, I hit that spider.  It was huge, had lots of ugly eyes and tried to pounce on me.  I KILLED that spider, not just once, but twice, probably three or four times.  I didn't tell the girls that the spider had been alive.  I just showed my granddaughter the dead carcass and had her watch me flush it.

I went back to bed and then I started having flashbacks.  I know it had only been a few minutes but shudders and silent screams filled my head as I watched myself over and over killing that beast of a spider.  I felt the tears of fear hit the edge of my eyes and I tried to calm down.  It was not long before I realized that the beast I was trying to kill was the what ifs.  What if I hadn't killed that spider?  What if it bitten one of the girls.  I calmed myself down but the flashback started again but this time they were different and as I felt those fear tears again I realized that this time I was trying to use that broom to kill the what ifs of cancer, transplants and graft/vs/host disease that have invaded my husband.  I felt the tiredness as I felt the what ifs of what could have been and what could be penetrate my mind.

I finally, after several long minutes, realized what I was doing.  Those what ifs are mind numbing and they send fatigue throughout my body and mind.  I went to the One that has the answers!  I gave Him my what ifs, the flashbacks, the tiredness and the fear tears and ask Him to keep them. I asked Him to wrap me up in His grace and mercy and then I slept.  I can't handle the beastly what ifs but God can.  He is the One that can flush all my doubts, fears and what ifs away. They do remind me of a great big, ugly spider and I will continue giving them to Him every time they slither back into my mind. God not only will sweep them away, He will comfort me with his strength and love!

Psalm 59:16

New International Version (NIV)

¹⁶ But I will sing of your strength, 
    in the morning I will sing of your love; 
for you are my fortress, 
    my refuge in times of trouble.