The Journey Continues:Confessions of a Caregiver

I just want to let you know from the beginning of this post that when I am talking about a caregiver, I am talking about a person that is taking care of an ill spouse, child, parent or friend.  I am talking about a person that has not been trained professionally to take care of the ill.

I confess that I had no idea.  I had no idea what the act of taking care of a loved one during an illness could entail.  I thought I did but no, not even close.  My husband has been fighting cancer for three years and I have not been a full time caregiver.  I have been a caregiver many weeks and even months but Richard has had some good months when things seemed almost normal.  Normal except he had cancer.  Our hope is that the cancer is gone and that he will get some relief from the graft/vs/host issues that  he has been battling.

I had no idea that I would experience a tiredness that I had never felt before.  It is a tiredness that invaded my body, mind and soul.  The sleepless nights in a recliner in my husband's hospital room or in the critical care waiting room didn't help.  The sleepless nights at home while staring at my husband most of the night to make sure he was still breathing didn't help.  The what ifs that fly through my mind at random times doesn't help. I have looked into the eyes of other caregivers in the critical care waiting area, the intensive care rooms, walking up and down the bone marrow ward and at the doctor's office and I have seen the same tiredness in their eyes.

I had no idea how much my husband helped me until I had to do it all.  He always wanted to drive but then he couldn't.  I have made that 200 mile round trip to the hospital or Dr.s office so many times in the last year and a half that it seems normal.  I also have had to go the grocery store, cook the meals, clean the house, pay the bills, go to Sarah's ballgames, band concerts, teach Sunday School, work and pick up the medicines.  I must confess that I have never been an immaculate house keeper so it was easy for me to let that job take a back burner. I also must confess that I turned down a good friends offer to do my dishes and clean up a bit .  I was afraid she would see my messy house.  I must confess I will never turn down an offer to help clean again!!

I had no idea that I would still get mad at my husband.  I guess I thought that him having cancer would change the normal, everyday parts of our lives.  It didn't.  He is still a stubborn, bull headed, want my way kind of man.  I am sure that if he had a say in this post he would tell you that I am stubborn and bull headed too. We still get on each other's nerves, say the wrong thing at the wrong time but we will always love each other.

I had no idea the intimate conversations that would come about because of cancer.  I must confess that I have learned much about my husband, his hopes, dreams and fears through these conversations. I had no idea though how hard some of the conversations would be. Like the ones when my husband told me the songs that he wanted sung at his funeral.  I must confess that those kind of conversations are probably better when a person is in good health.

I also had no idea of the support that there would be for my husband, me and our children.   We have had the support of my extended family, church family, friends and you guys.  I must confess that it would be hard to make it without the support and prayers that are said on our behalf. The prayers, the visits, the meals, the money, the cards have meant so much to us.  I must confess that I have felt the power of the prayers! Thank-you!!

I had no idea at the beginning of this journey how it would end but  I must confess that I would not have traveled this far without my God.  He has given me a strength and endurance that I did not know was possible.  I must confess that when I give my what ifs, what haves and what wills to God, He gives me a peace and wraps His arms around me.  That is when I rest!  I rest in the peace of God!

God is the ultimate Caregiver!

Psalm 62:5-6

New International Version (NIV)

⁵ Yes, my soul, find rest in God;
    my hope comes from him.
⁶ Truly he is my rock and my salvation;
    he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.