The Journey, the Pain and the Blessings of Cancer

Life is a journey.  Sometimes you know where you are going, and sometimes you just wander around. Sometimes you get a roadblock and sometimes that roadblock sends shockwaves through your body that  leaves a hopeless pit right in the middle of who you are.  Sometimes the roadblock is easily fixed and sometimes not.

My husband is in the midst of a roadblock now.  It is a nasty, stop you in your tracks roadblock.  We learned in October, 2009 that my husband has cancer.  When the Doctor delivered the news it felt like I had been suckered punched right in the middle of my being.  I looked at my husband and knew he was feeling the same way.  Even thought the Doctor assured us that this cancer that my husband had was Hodgkins Lymphoma and easily curable we still staggered from his office in bewilderment.   I am sure that the pain of this news was reflected in our eyes.

The Doctor's plan was six months of chemo and then we should see remission.  He did warn us that there were about 5 percent of patients who do not respond.  We didn't dare to even think about that five percent.  We thought ok, this will work.  Remisson by late spring, then vacation in July.  WRONG!  Late spring rolled in with warmer weather and flowers but not remission.

It was with much pain that my husband heard the news that he would be spending much time that summer in the hospital, not on vacation.  We love to travel and look forward to our family vacations each year.  The Doctor's plan now was stem cell transplant after more chemo.  The good news was that
the stem cells could come from my husband.  The stem cell transplant took place in August, 2010 and after many days in the hospital and recovering at home he returned to work.  He was tired of being cooped up and ready to go.

A pet scan was performed in October,  two months after the stem cell, and it was with high expectations that we went to get the results.  The Doctor had a nervous look and stammered as he handed out another roadblock in my husband's battle with cancer.  The stem cell transplant had not worked and this Doctor seemed at a loss about what to do.  We decided to get a second opinion and booked an appointment at a leading facility in Houston, Texas.

December, 2010 we arrived at the facility with hopes of a cure and different opinions.  Several days and many test later we received grim news.  The type of Hodgkins Lymphoma that my husband has will keep coming back no matter what.  They did suggest that there might be a trial my husband could qualify for and a donor stem cell tranpslant might help but didn't give us much hope.  We faced alot of what ifs on that long trip home.

We made a second trip to Houston right before Christmas.  More test were run and we met with the stem cell Doctor.  Finally this Doctor gave us a sliver of hope!  He told us that with the right donor this cancer could still be cured.  There are still many hurdles to get past but this is still HOPE!!

The donor stem cell transplant will take place when my husband gets close to remission .  There are already two excellent donors who are ready and willing to be used when the time is right.  The transplant will take place in our state which means no travel and family and friends will be close.

I am so proud of my husband.  He is a fighter and even though he has faced the reality of what could become an early expiration date he has continued to live life.

The Family of God has gathered around us and showered us with prayers, visits, calls, cards, food and money.  We feel humbled and blessed from the outpouring of love and support that surrounds us daily.  We can feel the power of those prayers going forth on our behalf.  We can feel the Arm of God surrounding us as He walks this journey with us.  The hopeless pit in the middle of our being has eased as we remember who we are and that God is in control.

Jeremiah 29:11-13 (New International Version, ©2011)

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ¹² Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. ¹³ You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

No Spiders Allowed In Heaven!

 What are you scared of?  One of my biggest fears is spiders.  In fact some (family) would say I become quite insane when it comes to spiders.  Just the thought of spiders sends shivers down my spine.  I probably am an arachnophobia.  Arachnophobia is a fear of spiders and other arachnids such as scorpions.  I do have a hard time being rational when those creepy, eight legged monsters creep close to me!
  During my childhood I never worried about monsters under the bed, only spiders.  My nightmares were of spiders crawling all over the floor and up the walls.  The spiders in my nightmares usually resembled tarantulas.  My fear has not subsided as I have grown older.  I have probably perfected some moves that could probably be labeled the Spider Dance.
  The story that broke sometime ago about how in a lifetime each person swallows at least three spiders had me trying to invent something that would keep my mouth shut while sleeping.  I would fall asleep with my hand over my mouth but it would not stay there.  I did read on the Internet the other day that this a myth but on this matter I probably will err on the side of caution.
  This fear of spiders is so strong, that when my daughter softly called, "mama" one morning, and I turned and saw her standing very still with a giant brown spider attached to her chest my instincts told me, RUN!!!  I fought the fear and told her not to move and gathering my wits I somehow used my purse as a weapon and skimmed it off her chest slinging that spider into the air.  Then I went into the spider dance, yelling, screaming and tearing at my clothes.
  I know that God created spiders for a reason. I know that it wasn't so that I would invent the Spider Dance.  It has something to do with bugs and the Eco system.  I just think bugs could have been squashed by a pig.  Everything God does is for a reason, whether we like that reason or not. 
  I am thankful for my God that holds me in His Hand and comforts me when the monsters(spiders) of life are at my doorstep.  His compassion sustains me through each and every spider dance I endure.
  I am praying though that there will be no spiders in Heaven.

                    Old Spiders do Die when I stomp them and do the spider dance!!

My Old Grey Shoes, They Ain't What They Used to Be

My feet are a pain.  They always hurt and finding shoes that are comfortable is not an easy task.   Once upon a time though I found the perfect pair of shoes.  They were grey, just the right width and made walking an easy task.  When my feet hurt I prefer to stay reclined but most jobs require one to be present.  The discovery that I had finally found the perfect pair was met with elation and after that the grey shoes spent lots of time with me.   My grey shoes and I were together almost everywhere I went.  We explored the beaches in Hawaii and Florida.  We walked to the edge of Pikes Peak and looked out over Colorado.  We spent time at the foot hills in North Carolina. Those shoes were on my feet when I flew into Germany.  I even wore the grey shoes as I watched my sons graduate from their marine, army and national guard training and my daughter from Kindergarten.   If  shoes could talk those grey shoes could tell on me.  Since they were with me most days they have seen my moods, attitudes and impatience.  Those grey shoes may have been perfect but they still couldn't make me behave.  There is only ONE that can do that and HE walks with me daily.  HE never leaves me.  When HE sees my moods, attitudes and impatience I feel that gentle nudge that tells me to behave.   I wore those shoes every day but one day I knew that something was wrong. I couldn't quite put my finger on what it was but each day the feeling got worse. I finally figured out that the grey shoes were not perfect anymore!  I had walked the perfect right out of those shoes.  They were not what they used to be.  The grey shoes and I had walked our last walk together.  It was with sadness that I put those shoes away.   There is ONE that sticks closer than grey shoes and HIS names is JESUS! We will never walk a last walk together!  We will walk together now and for eternity!                                        Old grey shoes don't die they just walk away! Proverbs 18:24 New King James Version (NKJV) 24 A man who has friends must himself be friendly,[a] But there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.